What's She Up to Now!

I have played it very safe over my life - really! I married young, stayed home with my kids and thought that was what I wanted.  But then, I went back to school as an adult, got divorced, got married again, got divorced, fell in love, moved in with a man (an amazing man!), dropped out of my religious fervour and fell into a multi-coloured land of change; and, finally, I found out that playing it safe isn't safe at all - this "grey scale living" can actually set you up for more drama and disappoint and depression. Nothing too bright and exciting, nothing unpredictable, nothing that would draw attention, just shades of grey book-ended between black on one side and white on the other.

I veered off the highway somewhat when I started my quest to live authentically - no more pretending or trying to fit into self imposed constraints. Roles prescribed by my understanding of "church" and my own belief system came under scrutiny as I opened myself up to examining my values - those deep-seated inner workings that affected my beliefs and actions. I looked at my experience and realized that much of what dictated my actions - religious beliefs and structure, past experience, false pride and excessive perfectionism - paralysed my need to grow and know who I am right now.  Very little reflected my values - although much, of course, made it more comfortable to navigate the world I had chosen.

So, I jumped out of my comfort zone; examined my reasons for all kinds of decisions and started living as ME. I eschewed marriage and embraced a common law relationship filled with love and respect and fun.  I started travelling to places outside my "Home and Native Land" and found the hidden adventuress within - laughing at getting lost in Beijing, risking train travel in a country where the language was impossible to learn; exploring alleys and eating from street vendors; trusting my instincts and living - really living. I loved to just watch the Chinese go about the simplest activities, exercising in the parks, getting their hair cut on the street, zig zagging their way across bumper to bumper traffic and holding their children up to urinate in a garbage can in a busy train station. Life - not right or wrong, better or worse - but life - and it felt amazing.

Facing my values - really digging deep and separating them from my beliefs and the society I had chosen as my world - set me free to become ME.  I know now that I am a lover - a lover of life, people, places, knowledge, wisdom, beauty - and there is not even one shade of grey left.

I may shock those who know me well, attract a gasp here and a smile there, but, I will be me. And, I hope that one day, someone will walk past me sitting on a park bench and wonder, "What is she up to now!"

Inner Diva Unveiled

I am so very conservative in most that I do but now and again I like to break out and shock those who never knew I had it in me! Much has changed in my life over the past 4 years and weight loss is only one of the magic numbers that have lifted the veil on my inner diva and invited me on to the stage of my own life.  Diva - when it is all about me - seems selfish and annoying but my Inner Diva can be that self who is loved by me and lives completely and authentically hopefully touching the little world around me with simple joy that comes from just being real!

Here are the numbers that added up to liberate my Diva within!

1 - "Is a lonely number, the number one!" I was on my own again - OK, I will quit singing - and adjusting nicely actually! I was finding my world was not just black and white but green and orange and red and purple too! Eggshells were meant for the garbage and not as a carpet to be crunched under my feet. I turned the diva power up, shone the spot light on my soul and came out to the world as someone with a little punch behind that calm demeanor!

2 - "TWO, two, two are better than one; (double mint anyone?)" - but, really, I met the love of my life, a man who loves my Inner Diva - the one I thought I needed to hide behind academic smarts and "strong womanly accomplishments"! To find a partner who could bring out that Inner Diva who loved to rock the night away singing along with some old rock and roll or groovin' past sunset with Etta James was such a gift!  I had finally learned to share the real me kindly, respectfully and lovingly and let the pieces fall where they may.  Joy, oh Joy - my love liked what he saw!

3 - Three Is NEVER a crowd!  My Inner Diva loved to welcome more people into my life, to laugh and play, sing and dance, and share my life on this new stage! Unlike the cautious, caged me of years gone by, I opened up my heart and welcomed new and interesting people into my life - people who embraced "thinking and feeling and sharing". Some were a little overwhelmed by my new diva outlook and left to wander their own path but those I meet along the new roads I travel now meet my eyes with warmth and acceptance (and if not I am obviously on the wrong road!). Living authentically is never a bad choice; it frees you to be you!

4 - FOR the love of life! I certainly still stumble and fall into my un-diva like head now and again, but I am learning that my happiness is truly found in the experiences I openly seek and not in the big house or designer clothes or any other material good I might choose to measure success.  I travel, giggle, enjoy sunshine, seek music, revel in the beauty of photography (even my own amateur attempts!), explore adventure and new thoughts by reading amazing books, jump in and share imperfect thoughts and crazy opinons and subjective observations and all kinds of feelings - you pick - some cost money and others are free but they are all experience and worth every penny (had to slip that in!) and every ounce of effort.

5 - Give me FIVE! My Inner Diva celebrates little things openly with friends, in the coffee shop or on the pathway, and privately, in my own heart!   This diva holds a delicious single chocolate in her hand and toasts her love across the dining room table and laughs at the pleasure of the melting goodness. (Only ONE chocolate! Amazing!) My Inner Diva coaches me to love myself and when I feel like dancing I grab my honey and dance - in the kitchen, in the park, or on the hiking trail - I also hum bars of music and sing the five words I might remember and let thoughts of life bubble out of me instead of guarding my voice just in case the sentence is not perfectly formed.

I love it when my Inner Diva is prodding me to change and be real - and those times when I shut her down, I just know she will eventually pop up again, usually at the oddest time, and burst into song! Hoping you find your Inner Diva and let her push you on to the stage of your life where you can live openly and authentically for then, THEN, you will be able to be marvellous YOU! 

Bigger is Better!

So much of my focus in 2012 was on becoming smaller - fewer inches, smaller portions, lower numbers on the scale, smaller sizes in the closet. That is still ongoing but 2013 is shaping up to be a year of growing bigger: 

• A bigger heart with room for selfcare - a notion where I can put myself first without feeling selfish!
• A bigger heart with room for gratitude - for new friends; new love; new places and new experiences, and;
•  A bigger heart for courage - courage to change, courage to let go; courage to face fear and triumph.

This special day is much bigger than the sweetness of chocolate or the grandeur of diamonds - it is one that can be marked with - a SMILE.   I am discovering the power of a smile - from and to strangers - and realizing, slowly, as Maya Angelou has shared, "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song." 

Love yourself, and then share that feeling, that song, with others - it will make that moment, that day, your life - BIGGER!

 

Happy Valentines Day!