Lessons learned or assumed to have been learned are lost over the months following hard work, tenacity and determination to make that goal. Even in the midst of success, spirits dip, successes are bittersweet, tainted with the looming failure in the back of my mind. FAILURE - hard to fathom when the scale goes down, the mountain hike goes up and the wheels of my bike go round. But, yes, I fail to excel. I fail to maintain. I fail to move forward and choose instead to spin my tires in yesterday's ruts. So, what do I do - what do you do to move past this and keep going. NEVER QUIT! Simple but true? Hard but true!
Some days it is easy. Many are not. The addictive personality that revels in soothing the psyche with his or her chosen drug is a tough one. Bogged down in physical and emotional needs that are triggered by crisis, blips, memories. Facing night time cravings, daytime fatigue, distrust of what is supposed to be good for me, avoidance of change, I make progress, go backwards, move around an obstacle, clamber over the next one and so on and so on. Many times I sit in front of the obstacle and eat. And ponder. Like any other drug addict I falter without some mantra, some support, some belief that life needs to be controlled. By me.
So, I choose my mantra - my meditation - and determine to address my patterns and face them head-on, knowing that this will never go away. That each day is truly a new beginning that requires my full attention to just be there in the moment, living and being present, for now.