I was getting very worried I would spiral out of control like a multitude of other times and give up - give in - and get swallowed up in the vortex of self pity and indulgence. I kept trying to find those magic words that would all of a sudden lift the veil and let in the light!
Today the sun shone, I slept in until 8 AM, Raouf made delicious cinnamon pancakes and I finally got all of my alterations done on my makeshift traveling wardrobe. It was lunchtime before I knew it. I sat down to eat my delicious broccoli and fennel soup and I realized I seemed to be getting back into the groove. I walked for an hour and I talked out a lot of my stress - blah blah - over and over and over as I processed it all again and again. I am gaining perspective so I don't go and start gaining weight!
I am coming back to a place of realizing very little of this is within my control - just that eighteen inches or so from the table to my mouth. I am different this time - I am not quitting - ever! Reading about the struggles of all those in the weight watchers online community about maintenance and what works and what doesn't made me realize again how important it is that I see this as the never ending journey it is rather than some destination I will finally attain. Not even goal weight is the destination.
I think I finally get it. You never really arrive and say DONE! Just like life - you live until you die. With a journey to health, you just keep journeying - there is a new sight to see or a new person to meet or a new adventure to discover but there is no stopping. No fireworks lighting up the sky one day celebrating your arrival; no marching band and cheering crowd heralding your win on a specific date; and no podium waiting for your tentative steps on your final race to the finish, medal in hand as music fills your heart.
What there is, though, are many days of warm sun on your face with sweat running down your back as your feet take you to the next path or the next mountain. There are cloudy days of introspection and giddy days of love and silly play. There are sad days of loss and maybe even some painful days clouded with antiseptic and anesthetic. But, each morning heralds another day, each breath fills your lungs with life, and each smile lifts your heart with hope and joy that your journey continues today - until the morning does not arrive and then, only then, it is done.
With this wisdom comes relief - a sense of letting go of the stress of attaining a goal, an end, a reward - there is no failure to fear as each day there is a new start and a blank page to fill with all that life has to give. I am excited and humbled by this thought today. Excited because I have so much to look forward to and humbled because I have only what is in me to give! I am no star. I just am, and for this journey, that is all I need to be.